THE POWER OF POSITIVITY

We all know that person. You love running into them because after chatting with them you feel energized and enthused. And then… there are the others. You might have much to talk about, but afterward, you feel depleted and a little negative. It’s because there are two types of people in life; those who give energy and those who take energy. The differentiator between these two types? I believe it is their level of positivity.

I deal with dozens of people every week and one of my responsibilities is to coach. How to communicate clearly, sell effectively and drive results. What I am observing is that many people are held back by their negativity. They might be smart, hard-working, and driven, but their inclination to focus on the negative part of their circumstances decreases their ability to influence, energize and inspire. This observation propelled me to start looking at traits of positive people. I found four behaviors that differentiate them and I believe anyone can adapt these to become more positive: Being Deliberate, Guarded Thoughts, Positive Words, and Choice of People.

Being Deliberate: Being positive and a people magnet doesn’t just happen – you need to be deliberate about it. Sometimes life is great. Sometimes it sucks. For many people, it sucks an awful lot of the time. If you are going to let life circumstances determine how you feel you will very likely end up as a negative person. Being a positive person is a deliberate choice. In ‘Broadcasting Happiness’ Michelle Gielan shares that research points to a direct correlation between optimism and success. Doctors with positive mindsets correctly diagnose patients nearly 19% faster and an experiment at insurer MetLife showed a 37% difference in sales between optimistic and pessimistic salespeople. The point? Make a decision to be a positive person. Successful people have a strong internal locus of control. Mind over matter. You can do it.

Thoughts: This is the most critical component of becoming more positive. Ruler of the Roman Empire Marcus Aurelius had it right centuries ago when he said ‘Our life is what our thoughts make it’. The most important conversation in life is the conversation you have with yourself. My hypothesis is that for most of us that conversation is negative more than it is positive. I had a Professor, Jon Foster-Pedley from Henley Business School, who taught me a very valuable lesson: Kill The F**ING Bird. “Every one of us has a big parrot sitting on our left shoulder, telling us why we can’t do it. Why you won’t succeed. Why you are not going to meet your goals. Not be successful. Not pass the test. You have to KILL that bird. EVERY DAY.”

Profound. But, killing it is not enough. You have to pro-actively plant positive thoughts in your mind. How do you do it?

The 3 Things Rule: Every morning when you wake up, before you open your eyes and get out of bed, think of three things you are grateful for. There are many proven psychological benefits to this routine. I’ve been doing this for years and it doesn’t always come easy. But keeping perspective helps. If you have access to running water, do not fear for your life, or have to worry about finding food, you are luckier than most people in this world.

Words: Our words become our reality. Think before you speak and don’t allow yourself to speak negatively. Avoid words like: never, won’t, and can’t. I wish I could say I have this one down. But, this past Summer my mother came from South Africa to see how her daughter is living this Texas dream. It was during a trip to Houston that she overheard a phone conversation I had with a friend where we were making plans for our night out. We just had, what I thought, was a normal conversation. Until she told me otherwise. ‘Jeanne-ette! How must this man feel with you complaining for the entire duration of the call about how terribly hot this city is? Don’t complain about it! Think about what is positive about being here. Ouch. Valuable lesson.

In ‘How full is your bucket’ Tom Rath teaches that you should catch yourself in the act of making a negative comment and try to say something positive instead. He suggests an interesting exercise: keep score by rating your interactions with another person as positive or negative and strive for the magic ratio of five to one. He quotes a study about marriage that showed that a couple needs a “magic ratio” of five positive moments for every negative moment for the marriage to remain strong. This magic ratio holds true in the workplace as well. When you need to have a tough conversation with a supplier/stakeholder, start with a compliment. And don’t have a tough conversation every time. Now and then the two of you should just share a beer!

People and Phone: Five years from now we’ll all be the same person as today, except for the impact of the five people we spend the most time with and for what we read. We have to be purposeful about the people we spend our time with. What is their narrative? If it is a negative conversation, you will have to make some hard choices. You need positive energy coming into your life. Be deliberate in looking for friends who inspire you. Who challenges you? Who pulls you up?

And then, the harder one: What is the narrative you are feeding your brain via your favorite device? For me, this is a continuous challenge. I just love scrolling down my social media feed… consuming what the collective group of people from all over the world who touched my life path over the past few decades are thinking about… And often, after 30 minutes of doing that I ask myself what that really added to my life. And I don’t like the answer. I’m not saying don’t look at social media. But be intentional to spend at least twice as much time consuming positive information, such as reading intellectually challenging material, as negative information.

The four steps to utilize the power of positivity and become a people magnet:

1. Take a deliberate decision to become more positive.

2. Guard your thoughts. Start your day by thinking of three things you are grateful for. And when the negative thoughts come, you kill that darn bird on your shoulder and replace those thoughts with positive ones.

3. Positive words. Don’t restate negative facts. Look for the positive angle and add honey instead of lemon to people’s lives.

4. Lastly, write down the five people you spend the most time with and evaluate whether they add energy or take energy. If you have more takers than givers, make changes. And be deliberate in seeking out information that inspires you. Cut down on your consumption of information that depletes you. Get a positive to negative ratio of two to one.

The reward? You can be that person people seek out to spend more time with because you add energy. And the beautiful thing is that success and happiness will follow.

*This article was originally written on March 26th, 2017.